Peter's Denial

Explanation "Je lis comme je voudrais qu'on me lise: c'est à dire très lentement."André Gide A book written clearly. Clarity, being one of the three conditions required for a work according to France, the author claims it as a merit, although he is absolutely convinced that clarity is just an attribute of the style, and not one of its conditions. In fact, in our literature they have written so clearly for so much time, disturbingly clear, that an obscure work would be a real innovation and renewal. Obscure works can be as beautiful as the clear ones. Regarding this matter, the author regrets that he couldn't write obscurely. A clear, although symbolist, book. For it is, unmistakably, symbolist. It is symbolist although it is clear and written in Romanian and non-bizarre. Symbolism doesn't necessarily mean neologism, morbid, bizarre, decadent, confusing and badly written. But rather – if there is talent – original, commonsensical, depth, non-imitation, lack of standard, subconscious, new and sometimes healthy. This new era of symbolism which has in France vigorous representatives like Régnier, Verhaeren, Vielé Griffin, Francis Jammes, André Gide, Remy de Gourmont, etc., will hopefully begin here as well (keeping the humble proportions) to spread from its miraculous springs. Then, symbolism will be grafted and will continue the tradition better than Mr. Iorga, that is, it will preserve the autochthonous spirit from Voda Ştefan, but will exchange the antiquated hospodar's costume from the shelf with today's clothes. A well-wisher will easily notice that the term symbolism, adopted a priori, is adjustable to tradition, the same as Parnassianism, Romanticism and the other clans and genres, which do not involve a soul but a stage. Actually, a return to our Classicism would be childish. What is Classicism? Do you call Beldiman, Cârlova, Sion, Bolintineanu classics? Eminescu is as classic as Arghezi, who will soon be given the same title in a popular edition. Lacking a past, and therefore, a tradition, we have borrowed from everywhere, we have assimilated and we have assimilated badly. This is our Classicism. Our Romanticism, which is represented only by Eminescu, just as Russia's Romanticism is represented only by Pushkin, is completely German. But Eminescu assimilated well. That is why Eminescu could be called the first Romanian classic. We, the ones to come, borrow material from today's correspondent of France. We call ourselves symbolists because we need a label. Those who have talent will remain, no matter how many obstacles they encounter. The others will be forgotten, like those talentless writers of Samanatorism and Poporanism [Romanian literary trends at the end of the nineteenth century]. School doesn't protect anyone and has no power. Talent is the only selection. However, one shouldn't believe that Romanians become symbolists or romantics because that is the trend abroad. For the perceiving mind there are deeper reasons. Romanticism, for Classicism, and Symbolism, for Romanticism, are real spiritual and intellectual revolutions with perspectives and directions. Is it a deviation of ours, a bad one, that of cultivating in souls, as well as on the land, something else than the ordinary grain, of using mysticism as a means and of considering that words cannot render feelings? That is why the meaning is hazier, the thought more subtle and more profound, the emotion that transpires through words – naked and fiery.The author doesn't try to outline the meaning of symbolism in such a slender volume and at such an unpropitious time. If he, nevertheless, publishes the volume it is because he is disgusted with the lack of any inner thought and art that is not journalistic in our war. He remedies in such a small proportion, though…So, a symbolist book. A book that, in its attempt to lay the spiritual basis of a rather complex but quite unclear fact from the gospels, and lacking local erudition, had to set its story in a vague world, of pure metaphysics, where only the words escape and drift intentions… The words are repeated thus, and they might seem factual to the busy and quick reader. Then, a rather quick examination, combined, of course, with some knowledge of the holy books, would excuse the author for certain borrowed images which are absolutely necessary to such an evocation. The chaste reader – a paradox temporarily used, since chastity in our century is a fossil – should think that if the author wasn't keen on being moral he wasn't either keen on being immoral. Embracer of art for art's sake, meaning that art carries a trend in itself, but the artist shouldn't necessarily look for a worldly and especially moral meaning, the author is subject to only one critical criterion, which is that of pure art. Modest to a certain extent, he has an honest, but not blind trust in what he can now offer; modest to a certain extent, as he is certain that vanity is absolutely human, and that the awareness of superiority, since it is present both with talents and with the herd, is a mere throw of dice, which the future can test. The book is however, not written for today's critics.Iaşi, 1918   The Meeting with the Bishop …And as he sat in the courtyard, Peter thought: "Well, I am sitting in the courtyard. Well, I am sitting in the courtyard and I am warming up at the fire together with all servants, for the fire is good. For the fire is good and takes the numbness out of the feet. And takes the numbness out of the frozen limbs. For, long was this night, long and sad; sad was this long night. For, well, the Saviour was betrayed. He was betrayed for thirty silver coins. For thirty silver coins. Judas betrayed him. He sold him for thirty silver coins as one sells a sack. He sold the Saviour like a feed bag. But you sold more, Judas, than a feed bag. You sold your soul… For, well, we are at Caiaphas'. At Caiaphas' we are – at Caiaphas' place, and Caiaphas is a priest. The high priest. But, is the high priest – the high priest – higher than the son of God? Is he higher? I don't know. No, he isn't. He can't be higher than God's son. He can't… Forgive me God, for I have done you wrong. Forgive me God, for I have indeed done you wrong. I have done you wrong, for I am poor in spirit. I am poor… But, why are they putting him on trial if he is the son of God? Why has the officer struck him? Why him? Why strike? Why? Why is he silent –why doesn't he say anything –, why does he let them talk – why is he trembling? Is he trembling? No, he isn't trembling. He can't tremble. He can't!... Isn't he the son of God? The beloved son of God? The beloved son? But, why is he trembling – why is he trembling – why does he let them speak – why doesn't he say anything – why is he silent – why? Why strike? Why strike him? "Only your faith will save you." Yes. The faith. He is the son of God. Praise him. He is the son! Bow down to him, all people. He is the one who healed the lepers. The one who healed the possessed. The one who healed the blind. The one who healed the deaf. The one who healed the lunatic. The one who saved me from drowning. The one who forgave the sinful woman. The one who cursed the fig tree… The one who cursed the fig tree… Did he curse the fig tree? Yes, yes, he did. Because it was unfruitful. Because it had no fruit. He cursed it because it had no fruit. Because everything that does not give fruit is cursed…The one who resurrected a twelve year old girl. And resurrected a child, too. And he resurrected Hana, Isobia's daughter. And he resurrected. For I, Peter, was there and Jacob was there, and John, Jacob's brother. And he said: "The child is not dead but sleeping." And he said: "Child – I tell you – arise." And she arose from the dead. He did this. He did. He did this because he can. He can because he is the son of God. He can do everything, everything. He can even rise from the dead. And he can heal the deaf. And the blind. And the limp. And the possessed. And the lepers. He can do everything. He knows everything. He knows everything beforehand. He knows everything… He knew that he would be betrayed. And betrayed he was. He knew that he would be tried. And tried he is. He knew that he would be crucified…No, he will not be crucified. For, he is the son of God. Praise him! Well, I am sitting in the courtyard and warming by the fire. For the fire is good…But he is tried. He is being tried. When I turn my head from the fire, when I am turning, I see how they are trying him. But I am not turning. I am not turning, for the servants will see me. The servants will see me and they mustn't. And what if the servants see me? Well? I will turn. So? No, I mustn't turn. Why is that servant staring at me? He is staring at me and clinching his fists. No, he is not staring at me; he is not clenching his fists. But, I am not turning; I am not turning because it's better; it's better if the servants don't see me. And what if I turn? Well? The Saviour can dispense with me. He can. For he is the son of God. But, why is he keeping silent – why doesn't he tell parables – why doesn't he curse? Why doesn't he curse a man if he cursed a fig tree…? The fig tree is also God's. Just like man. Why doesn't he curse him? Why? Why isn't he telling parables? For, he was always telling us parables. For the prophet told parables, too. The prophet Ezekiel told parables, too. The saviour himself told us that the prophet Ezekiel did: "Doesn't this man talk in parables?" Doesn't he talk? Why is he silent – why was he caught – why did they slap him – and spit at him – why did they spit at him? – why are they trying him – they are trying him – him, the son of God – and they want to crucify him – to crucify him –why are they saying that he is not the son of God – is he not the son of God? – why are they laughing at him for being the son of God – why are they spitting at him for being the son of god – why are they slapping him for being the son of God – why are they trying him and saying that he is not the son of God – why do they want to crucify him for not being the son of God…Is he not the son of God? Is he not the son of God? Why is that maid staring so badly at me? Why is she staring? Why is she staring at me and laughing? Why is she laughing? Why? No, she doesn't laugh; it seemed to me she was. She doesn't laugh. Is he not the son of God? Can he not promise the heaven? Isn't it him? Then who? Then, he deceived us? If he didn't deceive us, why does he let himself be dragged? If he didn't deceive us, why does he let himself be spited at? If he didn't deceive us, why is he keeping silent? No, he didn't deceive us. For, he said: "and he who humbles himself will be exalted." Did he say that? Did he say: "he who humbles himself will be exalted?" Did he say that? Did he? Well, then he didn't deceive us! But what if…but what if… He said: "before the rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times." No, it isn't true. I didn't deny him. Look, I didn't deny him. But the rooster hasn't cried at all. The rooster has cried not even once…Are they taking him now? Are they? Not yet. But they are still spitting at him. Isn't he the son of God? Isn't he the son? Then, who? But, why is that maid staring at me so badly? What is she saying? What is she saying? She is saying: "they asked him and he didn't answer." He didn't answer when they asked him. And they said: "are you the son of God –are you really the son of God?" And he said: "don't ask me. Don't ask me." He said: "don't ask me. Ask my disciples who believe." "The disciples who believe?" Is this what he said? The disciples who believe? But why is that maid staring at me? Why is she pointing at me? Why is she whispering? She says that I am a disciple. I am not a disciple, I'm not! Where does she know it? How could she know it? How? She says they should ask me. They should ask me if he is the son of God? But, how do I know that? Where from do I know more? Why should I tell them, I who doesn't know anything? For, I don't know anything. Why did the Saviour say that they should ask us? Why did the Saviour say that they should ask me? Why? Does she say that I am a disciple? No, I am not a disciple; I am not! Where does she know that? Where could she know it, where? Do they want to strike me, too? Do they want to spit at me, too? Do they want to try me, too? Why? Why try me? I didn't do anything. I'm not the son of God. I didn't heal the blind. I didn't heal the limp. I didn't resurrect the dead. I didn't calm the sea. I didn't feed five thousand people. I am a disciple, a poor disciple. I only believe. I only believe what I am told. And if I am told the truth, I believe. And if I am told a lie I still believe. For, I can't tell which is truth and which is lie. And I believed. I believed that he was the son of God, for it seemed to me the truth. If it is not true, I don't believe it. I wouldn't believe it. But, why should I be struck for believing, for waiting, for walking barefoot, alongside a man – alongside Christ – alongside the son of God – for the truth? Why is that maid staring at me? Why is she heading towards me, why is she? The 1st Maid You came with him, too, didn't you? You are also his disciple. And you say that he is the son of God. And you say that he has resurrected from the dead. Yes! And are you saying that with five loaves of bread and two fish he fed five thousand people? How can you feed five thousand people with five loaves of bread? Can't you see you are stupid? Why do you hang around with him? For he is ragged and poor and dirty. Oh, you are with him because you believe he is God? We'll show you! Do you believe? Peter No, I don't believe. Who told you that I believe? Who told you that I hang around with him? Who told you? Or, say, did you see me? Then, who saw me? Let them come and tell. Certainly, let them come and tell. How could I have hung around with him? You have said yourself that he is dirty and barefoot and ragged. I don't even know what he thinks and who he is. I don't even know what you are talking about. Or, are you taking about the one who called himself the son of God? No, you can't be. God has no son. And even if he had…But, no, he doesn't. Why are you taking about him, why? I don't even know him, woman. Oh, she's gone, she's gone. Thank God she's gone. What did she have to say of him? She, of him? And what could I answer? What could I? What was I to tell a maid who has no idea of him? That I believe? That he is the son of God? She wouldn't have understood. She would have laughed. She would have struck me. She would have made fun of me. She would have made fun of him. Could I have let her make fun of him? Of him? I couldn't. I couldn't have let her make fun of him. I was right for not telling her. I was right… Oh, but the rooster crowed. Did the rooster crow? It did. Its crow was red. It was read like its crest. But why did it crow? It crowed because I denied him. But, did I deny him? Did I? No, I didn't. I just said that because I didn't want them to take the Lord's name in vain. Because I didn't want them to spit at God's name. Because I didn't want them to laugh at God's name. She was about to urge them all to beat me up. I was about to get beaten up badly. But I didn't deny him because of that. So what if they beat me up? What? No, I didn't deny him. But, why did the rooster crow? Why did it crow? Why did it crow after I denied him? But I didn't deny him. Then, why did the rooster crow? It crowed because it felt like crowing. Because all roosters crow. Every night all roosters crow. Or, are the roosters crowing when somebody denies his God? No. Roosters always crow! But why is this other maid looking at me? Why is she staring at me? Why is she heading towards me, why? The 2nd MaidLook, there is one who came with him. Didn't you come with him? Say. Why did you need him? Don't you have arms to work? Don't you have a back on which to carry, don't you have legs to walk? Why did you follow him, why? You could have dug up the land to bury seed; you could have worked as a carpenter and make fences for people; you could have been a mason; you could have asked to work with us. Why didn't you ask? You don't like work, do you? For, you are well-built, you have muscles and you are vigorous. You are handsome, too! Why are you wandering about like filthy beasts? Work is from above. When you work you don't have time for foul thoughts. And you don't have time for other things either… Work is meant so that you don't have time to speak stupid things. Or to think of them, either… You don't like work, do you? Why do you wander about like filthy beasts? Why don't you believe in what you have to? Did your father teach you that God has a son? Did he? No. You mustn't believe but what you have been taught. You mustn't believe but what you found for granted. What you find for granted is good. Nothing else. For the eyes betray us and so do the ears. And so does your God! Do you believe in him? Do you believe in his miracles? Caiaphas is high priest and he did no miracle. Not even one tiny miracle. For Hana, Zerania's daughter, asked him to make her womb give birth. For she was barren. And he couldn't. And Caiaphas has rich garments, and his curls are sprinkled with holy oil, and his beard smells. How do you think your barefoot and ragged Christ will do it? How do you think he will? And, then, how can you follow him when all whores are following him? How can the son of God hang around with all whores? Oh, I see. He takes them for his and your pleasure. He takes them so that you can sleep with them. Good. Why don't you say so? Why? Aren't the others better? Aren't the others better, the ones who have small chains at their ankles? When you tear the small chain you tear her virginity, too. Isn't it nicer? And virginity is pleasant to God. Why are you hanging around with all the whores? Why? Oh, you are with him, say? Are you with him? PeterNo, I'm not with him, woman. Who told you I was with him? Perhaps you saw me, say? Then who saw me? Let them come and say. Certainly, let them come and say. How can I hang around with him? For, I don't wander about like filthy beasts. Are you saying that he did miracles? He didn't. Are you saying that he fed five thousand people with five loaves of bread and two fish? How can five loaves of bread feed five thousand people? Can't you see you are stupid? He didn't do any miracles, of course he didn't. He didn't resurrect any dead. He didn't heal the lepers. He didn't heal the blind. He didn't heal the limp. He didn't heal the deaf. He didn't heal the possessed. He didn't calm the sea. He didn't do any miracles, of course he didn't. For neither did Caiaphas. And he is high priest. How can the son of God do that? And besides, he is barefoot and ragged; and Caiaphas has holy oil on his beard. How can he work miracles when Caiaphas cannot? You say that whores are following him? Of course they are. I mean, they are because you say they are. But he doesn't take them for me, not for me. I don't even know them. I don't even know him. I don't know him. You are taking about Christ, aren't you? About Christ. I thought you where taking about Christ. I don't know him. How should I know him? For, he hangs around with whores. I don't like whores. I don't like them. I like the others more. The ones that have small chain. And even the ones that don't have. I like them all. I like you, too. But don't say that I am following him. For I don't believe in him. And first, how can I believe in him if I don't know him? How can I believe when I don't know him? I don't even know him, woman!... Oh, she's gone, she's gone. Thank God she's gone. She left and winked at me. She winked at me to come afterwards. To come when the light is off. To come. No, I'm not coming, woman. Whatever you say, woman, I'm not coming. I am not coming although you are beautiful. Beautiful women are more dangerous. And I am not coming, although you are beautiful, because your voice humiliated me and your words took me down, and I lied before you. Why did you make me lie? Why? What for do I need your womb? What for do I need your legs? What for do I need your body when you made me lie? Spread your legs if you want to any passer-by – and your womb may call other wombs and your body may let another body enter. What do I care? What do I care when you made me lie? When you made me deny the heaven and sell my soul. No, I'm not coming. What is there between us, woman? Did I deny him? No, I didn't. And neither did I take his name in vain. And neither did I cast him away. Didn't I? Didn't I say that he took the whores for himself, not for me? Didn't I? Yes, I did. Yes, I did, because I had to. Yes, I did, because that woman was looking at me with luring eyes and her heart was talking nonsense. And I had to get rid of that woman. I had to get rid of her. For she was looking with luring eyes and her heart was talking nonsense. And if I hadn't said, if I hadn't said what I said, she would have stirred the men. Not against me, no. But against the Saviour. I couldn't. On the contrary, I made a good deed. And the saviour will thank me. For, the Saviour cannot dispense with me. And didn't. For, if I hadn't lied, I would have raised everyone against him. And I had to lie. I had to be dirt. I had to give the maid what is the maid's and God what is God's.! I had to do that! Did I lose the kingdom of heavens? I was the stray sheep. I got lost like the sheep got lost from the shepherd because I wanted to get closer to him. "Your faith will save you." Yes, faith will save me. It will save me, although I got lost. Although I got lost like the sheep. For, I got lost having good faith… You are kind and gentle, Christ, you are kind and gentle. Forgive me if I have sinned! Forgive me my debts, as I have forgiven the debts of these people. But why is this officer looking at me? Why? Why is he staring at me? Why is he heading towards me? Why is he? An OfficerAren't you a disciple of the king of the Jews? PeterNo, I'm not. An OfficerAren't you? Who are you fooling? You don't fool me. Nobody fools me. You are one of Christ's men. PeterI'm not and mind your own business. An OfficerOh, mind my own business. You are his man and you will be crucified like him. It is a pleasure to crucify a bastard. Aren't you the son of God, too? Aren't you? Then, what are you? Why aren't you working? The 1st MaidI also said that he came with him. The 2nd OfficerLet's bind him and whip him with the rod! The 3rd OfficerLet's give him vinegar to drink! The 2nd MaidOh, have you been with the whores? The 4th OfficerLet's take him to be crucified, too. PeterLeave me! Leave me! I have nothing to do with him as I have nothing to do with you. Do I have anything to do with you? No. I don't have anything to do with him either. I came here. I came here in the courtyard to get warm. To get warm by the fire, for the fire is good. And you let me get warm. If you don't want it anymore, let me. Let me go. Go again. For I am a traveller. And you are travellers, too. All people are travellers… But don't say I came with him. I have nothing to do with him. The 2nd OfficerYou have nothing to do with him? PeterI have nothing to do with him. Of course I have nothing to do with him. What do you think I have to do with him? But can one tell if they have or if they don't have something to do with him?He says he is the son of God. He says that only those who believe will have the kingdom of heaven. It isn't true, of course it isn't true. But what if… Why should you say that I have something to do with him? You see very well that I have not. The 4th OfficerYou don't fool us. You don't lie to us. You don't deceive us. You came with him. And then, your face betrays you. You are red and your face is long. You smell of Galilee from afar. You say you are not. For, I have a cousin there, Simon of the widow. You don't know him, do you? He looks like you just as a stone looks like another. You are from Galilee, too. What are you doing here, for Easter? Confess, you have come with him! The 1st MaidI also said he came with him! The 2nd OfficerLet's bind him and whip him with the rod! The 3rd OfficerLet's give him vinegar to drink! The 2nd MaidOh, have you been with the whores? The 4th OfficerLet's take him to be crucified, too! SimonNo, leave him. You don't judge a man so quickly. You say that he is with the Saviour. He says he isn't. Let him swear in front of us that he is not with the Saviour and we forgive him. The 1st MaidIf he swears, then he didn't come with him! The 2nd OfficerIf he swears, we won't bind him and whip him with the rod! The 3rd OfficerIf he swears, we won't give him vinegar to drink! The 2nd MaidIf he swears, yes, if he swears, he is free! The 4th OfficerIf he swears, we won't crucify him! PeterI'll swear. If you have me swear, I'll swear. Why shouldn't I swear? If you wish…But why should I swear? It's a sin. We shouldn't take the Lord's name in vain. It's a sin. If you wish I swear. But it is a sin.