Emil Gayk

* Gayk is the only civilian wearing a pauldron for supporting rifles on his right shoulder. His Adam's apple is sucked in and his morale is always very high. He cannot be hostile to anyone for too long, but judging from his slanting looks, from the direction sometimes assumed by his sharp nose, as from the circumstance that his face is almost permanently pockmarked and that his nails are not cut, he gives you the impression that he is ready to fly at you and peck you. Well sharpened at both ends and bent as a bow, Gayk always leans a little forward, so that he can easily dominate the environment. He is keen on being well prepared for any eventuality, that is why he always sleeps with a tuxedo and white gloves on, keeping a diplomatic note, a respectable amount of biscuits and a… machine gun hidden under his pillow. During the day, Gayk cannot stand other kind of dress than a small curtain with tassels, one I front and one behind, which can be easily drawn aside by anyone who is granted permission by him. He spends his time swimming continuously for 23 hours, but only in the north-south direction, for fear of not abandoning his state of neutrality. In the remaining hour he inspired by boot-wearing Muses. He has recently managed to give us new guidance in our foreign policy, by being the first to express, very authoritatively, the opinion that we should take the Transylvanians without Transylvania; he maintains, however, that we must get the town of Năsăud, through the intercession of the Vatican, as well as three kilometres, not around the city, however, but placed in a straight line, adjacent to the town, in the directiuon of the duchy of Luxemburg in protest against it having permitted the German army to violate its neutrality. Gayk has no children of his own. But he adopted a niece of his when he was still a secondary school student, at the very moment when she was doing some needlework. He made every sacrifice to offer her a lofty education – taking care to send her a waiter to the boarding school he had put her in, to ask her on his behalf to wash her hair every Saturday and to get some general knowledge by all means. A very diligent and hardworking person, this niece of his soon reaches the age of maturity and, noticing one day that she has managed to get some general knowledge, asks her beloved uncle to set her free from the boarding school and allow her to go home in the countryside… Encouraged by his ready compliance, she did not hesitate later to ask him to grant her access to the sea. Then, Gayk, in response to that, suddenly jumped on her and pecked her many times; as she thought that to be an act contrary to any common international practice, perpetrated against her without any previous warning, she considered herself at war with him, a war that kept them busy more than three whole years on a front of almost seven hundred kilometres. They both fought having a money allowance for food, and very heroically we must say. However, because Gayk was finally promoted to the rank of field marshal while he was on the battlefield and as he couldn't find any lace maker there to have him make the stripes for his new rank, he gave up fighting and sued for peace. This was very convenient for his niece too, as she had just developed a furuncle and, her retreat being thus cut, was no longer sent either beans or gasoline by the neutrals. The first exchange of prisoners between the two parties took place at the house of the Theatre of operations, but they could only get a low price for it. Then they agreed to conclude a dishonourable peace. Gayk committed himself to give up pecking people for ever, limiting himself to a quarter of a litter of grain that his niece pledged herself to fetch him every day, under the guarantee of the Great Powers; his niece eventually got a stretch of land, two centimetres wide, that gave her access to the sea, which did not confer her the right, however, to renounce her bathing trunks. Yet, they were both fully satisfied in the end, as a secret proviso of the treaty gave each of them the right to boost their spirits as much as possible in the future. English version by Dan MATEESCU
* As an experiment, to enable a better perspective on Urmuz' work, Plural is publishing two English versions of five of his stories.


by Urmuz (Dem. Dumitrescu-Buzău) (1883-1923)