100 Years At The Gates Of The Orient

excerpts Episode no. 33At the Vizier[1] Meanwhile, not long after the crescent had entered a Christian cloud, much to the heathens' grief, three men's shadows on three horses' shadows were more like crawling than riding towards the vizier's palace. When they arrived before the large timber gates, one of the shadows dismounted, picked a cobblestone and struck the shadow of the gate three times. A turban popped up on the battlement:"What do you want, bre[2]?" said the turban in perfect Turkish."Is the vizier home?" said Sword Bearer[3] Vulture, for he was the shadow."What do you want, bre?" the Turk repeated, pretending he did not understand."Hrantrhm harpah the vizier, bre?" Vulture said again."He is," the Turk answered."Go tell him the Voivode of Moldavia is here to see him!" said Vulture."Dethroned, bre?" the Turk asked."Momentarily dethroned," answered Vulture."Then, bye, bre," said the Turk."What's your name, brother Turk?" Vultured asked in a low voice."Mustafa, bre," said the Turk lowering his voice too."Brother Mustafa," whispered Vulture, "have you ever eaten sweet chestnut purée?""I have, bre" the Turk whispered too."Who gave you that, brother Mustafa?!" asked Vulture in astonishment."You did, three years ago when you came with the other voivode," answered the Turk."Right" said Vulture. "And would you like to have some more?""Indeed I would, bre! answered the Turk."Then go tell the vizier.""I'm going," said the Turk and left.A few minutes later, the three men, Voivode Barzovie, Sword Bearer Vulture and Broanteş the minstrel, were walking along the soft-carpeted corridors towards the vizier's rooms. At a corner, an odalisque crossed their way fluttering. Sword Bearer Vulture looked at her with a critical eye and, crossing himself, spat a few times into his bosom[4]. Eventually, after several other corners, a eunuch the size of a bull appeared. He opened the door and there stood the vizier."My dear friends!" said the vizier with a smile, rushing forward to embrace them. "So good to see you! You won't believe it, but today I was just thinking of you: how would my Moldavian friends be doing?""Not very well, Your Highness," said Vulture."Well, how come?!," said the vizier, and a shadow of concern crossed his face. "But please be seated, don't stand there!," and he showed them three odalisques with three cushions in their hands."We're not doing very well, Your Highness," Sword Bearer Vulture said again, seating himself carefully."But what happened? Have the Poles attacked you, or the Cossacks? Have the crowds rebelled?""No, Your Highness, worse than that. We were dethroned.""No!" retorted the vizier indignantly. "By whom?""By Your Highness" Voivode Barzovie said humbly."By me?!" said the vizier. "Impossible!" "But it's quite possible," said Vulture."My dear friends, you mean it?" questioned the vizier."Do you think we feel like joking, Your Highness? asked Vulture."Gentlemen, either I fail to remember, or you're completely insane! Look, here's the book in which I write down everything I do. Here: last month, on the 12th I dethroned Voivode Constantin of Wallachia, on the 13th, the one I put on the throne on the 12th, and on the 14th, Voivode Barzovie of Moldavia. Oh, my," he said to Barzovie in astonishment. "After all, I did dethrone you! Well, well! Why would I do that""I don't know, Your Highness," Voivode Barzovie said timidly."You must have done something, surely I did not dethrone you for nothing," the vizier said frowning. "Oh, come now, tell me everything you did." Episode no. 34The Vizier Confesses "I did nothing, on my honor!" Voivode Barzovie started lamenting. "Strike me blind if I did anything! Nothing, as sure as I live! I gave you the annual gifts, I paid the tribute, I established no marriage relations with the Wallachians, I made no friends among the Russians, I didn't rip off the crowds, I didn't build monasteries, except for a fucking theater. I didn't squeal on others, I preserved the borders, you can see for yourself, I sowed, ploughed and laid the land waste for you, I sucked it dry and sent all its milk and honey to you. Then why, Your Highness, why? What did I do wrong?""Hem," said the vizier thoughtfully.One of the odalisques stood up and fetched a cup of coffee. "Hem, hem," said the vizier once again, and two more cups of coffee were brought."You're perfectly right, brother Barzovie, you weren't a bad ruler, you were pretty efficient. And yet I dethroned you, there's no doubt about that. Here" – he tapped the book with his finger – "this is what I wrote: 'Dethroned Voivode Barzovie of Moldavia'.""Didn't you also write why?" Sword Bearer Vulture ventured to ask.The vizier thrust two fingers inside his waistcoat, pulled out a pair of glasses, put them on his nose and had a closer look at the book."Nope," he said disappointedly. "I didn't. I'm terribly sorry, but I didn't. In any case, dear Barzovie, you have my word of honor that I didn't dethrone you for nothing. Please, help yourselves" he said pointing at the cups of coffee."But, Your Highness," Voivode Barzovie said with tears in his eyes, while sipping his coffee, "you can't have forgotten! This is about my future, my life!""Life," said the vizier wearily. "Your life? What can I say then about my life? Do you know how many memos, letters and other papers I have to read every day? And you should see how they are written! When I read them I have the feeling that we have only conquered Indo-European peoples. The commas are misplaced, the grammatical subject agrees with some group of higher boyars, and the sentences always end with an appeal to dethroning. I haven't seen a decent epithet since the siege of Vienna. Reading the reports, I have gradually come to understand certain rules: for instance, before "b" and "p," one always uses "m" not "n"; "g" and "c" followed by the vowels "e" and "i" are always pronounced "ge" and "gee" or "che" and "chee," respectively; whenever we have a group of three consonants, the first consonant goes with the preceding syllable, while the rest go to the next syllable[5].""Yes, indeed" said Voivode Barzovie regaining his composure, "but there are also several exceptions: if preceded by a consonant, the groups "ct," "cţ" and "pt" are divided as follows: "c" and "p" form a syllable with the preceding consonant, and "t" and "ţ" go with the next syllable.""You see?" said the vizier happily. "You see how many problems there are? And you're complaining you've been dethroned!" Episode no. 199At the Palace As he was approaching the imperial court, Barzovie felt his heart sink: how will Ramza Pasha receive him? Will he agree to his second ascension to the throne? It is true that he had sent two boyars to find out what the Turk was thinking, and they returned with the information that Barzovie was welcome, but you never know what is behind the words of a pasha. What if everything is just a trap, and Voivode Sima hides in a small room, waiting with a grin to watch the show of his return? The cortège finally entered the inner palace courtyard. The guard, made up of old janissaries[6], woke up from their dozing and, at the yelling of a bashibazouk[7], stood to attention. Ramza Pasha appeared at the top of the stairs, dressed in his gala costume and wearing a yataghan[8] with a sash. Barzovie dismounted and walked to him."It's good to have you back instead of that dog, Voivode Sima" said the Turk, "and may the crescent rays shed light for a long time on your frail head.""I come before Your Highness joyfully, and may the crescent rays shed their beneficent light not just on my worthless head, but on the whole poor land of Moldavia," Voivode Barzovie said."So be it," answered Ramza Pasha. "Let's go inside and I'll give you the firman[9]."They entered the palace. In the room permanently reserved for Turkish guests, Ramza Pasha took a blank firman out of a pile and seated himself at the table to fill it in."Surname and given name," said the Turk."Barzovie, Peter," answered the voivode."Age.""53.""Which reign?""The second," answered Barzovie."Why were you dethroned the first time?""I don't know," said Barzovie.Ramza Pasha looked up:"I can't write that. There must have been a reason. Did you pay the tribute?""To the last cent," answered Barzovie."Did you plot against the Porte with the Poles or the Russians?""Nothing of the kind!" said Barzovie."Then what could it be?" wondered the Turk, chewing on the end of the quill. "When did you say you were dethroned?""Last year, in October," answered the Voivode.The Turk counted something on his fingers, then said:"You're right. You didn't do anything. You were dethroned preventively. Every five years, in October, we dethrone someone as a matter of routine. You had bad luck, but it's good to have you back. Any particular birthmarks?""None," said Barzovie."You're a bit too fat," said the Turk eyeing him. "You should diet. Here, I'll write down you're thin. I want no argument in summer, when you'll come to the Porte. I could have written you're one-eyed. Got it?""Definitely" said the voivode."Fine. Sign here and have a pleasant rule," said the Turk.Barzovie leaned and signed."The firman stays with us," said Ramza Pasha and was about to leave, but in the doorway he stopped: "Hey, could you lend me two ducats till next year?"Barzovie searched in his bosom, pulled out a purse and gave it to him."Take it all and enjoy!""You're indeed a gentleman. I'll remember that," said Ramza Pasha and left.And thus began the second reign of Voivode Barzovie.
 [1] Vizier = a high officer in the old Turkish Empire.[2] Bre (Turkish) = (approx.) man, you, folks, etc.[3] Sword Bearer = head of cavalry and the bearer of the voivode's sword during ceremonies in medieval Wallachia and Moldavia.[4] Custom traditionally said to protect one from the devil.[5] Rules applied in the Romanian language.[6] Janissary = a soldier in an elite guard of the medieval Turkish troops.[7] Bashibazouk = soldier in the Turkish irregular troops.[8] Yataghan = a Turkish sword with a double-curved blade.[9] Firman = letter of appointment.


by Ioan Groşan (b. 1954)